I am constantly trying to prove how country I am to my husband Josh, so when he calls and asks me to do things, I always agree to try….like the day he called and asked me to kill one of the turkeys that we were raising and have it prepared to be de-feathered when he got home from work.
Psh,too easy! You just go out, ring its neck, and chop off the head. 5 minutes tops…..45minutes and 4 phone calls later I’d killed a turkey and was in serious need of Prozac or Valium or whatever it is that traumatized people take.
See,the thing is, turkeys are large and intimidating (which had never occurred to me until I stood outside its enclosure),so simply going in and grabbing it by the neck wasn’t gonna work for me. So I formed a plan! I got some rope and tied a slip knot, which I placed just outside the enclosure door. When I opened the door, the turkey was supposed to step out into my trap and I’d yank it up!!! What actually happened was that I opened the door, and the turkey stuck its head out into my trap to eat the grass. Ugh!! So now, I’ve ended up with a turkey on a leash. My plan was blown at that point and I didn’t know what to do,so I slammed the door on its head, hoping it would knock him out. (DISCLAIMER:the following describes a mildly traumatic event in both my life and the life of this turkey. If you are sensitive to violence or a member of PETA, stop reading now…..perhapse, I’m a sentence late….better late than never)
Yeah,so door slammed and the turkey starts flailing wildly from side to side before finally coming to rest. The deed was done, I opened the door, the turkey got up…..THE DEED WAS NOT DONE, I slammed the door, the body began flailing once more. After a time, the poor oxygen deprived turkey came to a rest, and I calmly pulled the turkey across the yard to the tree where my husband processes his deer. (Who am I kidding! I was frantic! That was about the time that I called my friend Lenise, while practically hyperventilating )
Once at the tree,I call my husband,very calmly, and slightly proud that I’d completed his task. Talk about knocking the wind out of your sails, he says, “That’s great, did you cut the head off?”
Did I cut the head off!? Are you kidding me??!!!! Really!! No I didn’t cut the head off….but I will!
So I needed to hang the bird upside down and cut its head off,and by this time,I’d also gained an audience….my dogs Hank and Billie were watching.
I threw the rope in the tree and hoisted the bird…..but it was right side up….which was upside down in this case…..BUT, I had a plan, and this one worked! I tied another slip knot and dropped the bird into it, thusly securing its feet and allowing me to hang it upside down. Now for the removal of the head.
A normal person would’ve taken a knife or axe and slit the throat, but you must remember that I’m not your average….. so I busted out the 9mm and stood about 6 feet from the bird, aimed for the head, pulled, the trigger, and completely missed, several times…..fail,and another frantic phone call, “can you believe he wants me to cut the head off….I cannot do this!” Deep breaths.
New plan! I grabbed the axe, and I apologized to my dogs, assuring them that I would never do such a thing to them. I then rolled a log under the turkey’s head (incidentally the same log that held the rings at my friend’s wedding that we hosted). I lined the blade of the axe up with the neck of the turkey and DROP(no,that’s not a typo),I dropped the axe on its neck and ran away (insert 3rd frantic phone call).
Deep breaths,happy place,I’ll never eat turkey again. After apologizing once more to my canine audience, I went psycho on that turkey! I’d had enough trauma and enough drama and had just wanted to be finished! CHOP HACK CHOP!! When I saw blood seep from the neck I kicked the log over (which is the equivalent of dropping the mic) and walked away…..and made two more frantically calls.
But it was just another day when you’re Not Your Average…..